I am always late. This is not a fact I am particularly proud of, but it is a fact.
I am also the progeny of German Jewish Parents, a first generation American – and yet thankfully, I lack the desire for World domination, total order, and the need to conform and be like everyone else.
In addition, I am an Observant, Hasidic Jew, and also a Democrat – two things that don’t usually go together!
Perhaps it is the artist in me, since I am – yes, I admit it, I am – an actor!
What I am NOT – is happy.
Oh, don’t misunderstand, life is great, thank G@d, it is not me that I take issue with. It’s just that I have recently discovered deep within my inner self the seeds of order and the need to obliterate the CHAOS and ANARCHY around me.
Those responsible for this total breakdown of order I am referring to are – PEDESTRIANS. Yes, those uncaring herds of people who never learned to bear to the right! That’s right – as in the way cars drive here in America – NOT England!
You know what I am talking about. Here in New York it’s the masses of people entering and exiting the MTA Subway system. Going up and down the stairs through the entrances and exits THE WRONG WAY. Cluttering up the way the whole system is designed. Making the already totally frustrating experience of using the subway system completely unbearable.
How hard is it to remember? Keep to the right. Go down the stairs on the right, and go up the stairs on the right. Is this too much to ask? Simple courtesy, as I see it. Keep to the right!
I ask you, do you think people ever noticed that all the staircases in the subway system are divided by a rail of some sort down the middle? Do you think that they ever stopped and pondered – for even a moment – why the people who designed the stairway PUT THE DIVIDER THERE??? Come on people, think… That’s right – so you can KEEP TO THE RIGHT!
I cannot begin to enumerate the times I have had to step aside, or come to a complete stop as some Leftist bears down upon my ascent out of the bowels of Manhattan further delaying me from my inevitable tardiness to some audition or rehearsal. A hapless mother schlepping two children and a semi-folded stroller UP THE LEFT as I try making my way down into transit hell. The student with the backpack, the tourist with his duffle bag, I could go on and on endlessly. But let’s not dwell on the negative any longer than needed. All this – and more – imagine an end to hunger, disease, homelessness, war, all predicated on correcting the natural flow of all traffic. Keep to the right ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, keep to the right, going UP the stairs, keep to the right going DOWN the stairs, nay, dare I venture to suggest, keep to the right when walking down the street! (GASP)
Yes, my dear friends, you can help bring an end to poverty and prevent world war all by keeping in mind the tried and true, the most simple of all deeds. Just keep to the right! Keep to the right! Shout it from the Tenement stairs and Public School halls. Proclaim it in the streets as you proudly walk your children home from school. Whether Democrat or Republican, Liberal or Conservative, the smallest minority or the Moral Majority. You have an obligation to uphold the very thread that holds our nation’s sanity in tact…
End the clutter. Stop the Madness! Restore order to our streets and transit systems.
Mothers, teach your children… Keep to the right!
-elli-